This post will require some homework before you ingest it. Wait. Before you click off and engage in other things, consider this: YOU ARE WORTH IT. Homework is not one of those things we as
adults with 101 things to accomplish, desire to add to that already heavy plate, but I promise you this short assignment is to your benefit.
There is a prerequisite that needs to happen before you immerse yourself in this delicate headspace. For you to be changed or at least inspired to be changed, you need to be authentic with yourself. If not, my mission as a writer has not been accomplished. It is my wish that you leave this blog choosing to choose you. Choosing to reimagine a better life.
Transparency. This was taxing for me, but also necessary to the person I want to become and that means asking yourself the hard questions to ultimately start the heart work. Do not try to skip ahead because you will not understand the title of the post, much less the body of work. Intentionally done. You would not take Algebra 102 before 101, right? Same idea.
Answer the four yes or no questions below. Be honest with yourself.
Have you ever led a spineless life, at any point in your life? Have you self-sabotaged yourself to save face?
Have you ever been speechless, but had a mouthful to spew, knowing your opinion would be of benefit to others?
Have you been subservient to the needs of everyone around you, while neglecting your own?
If you answered yes, to any of these questions, you, like me, have some work to do. Be assured you are in the right place. You will be provoked through these words. Your brain will start to drum up excuses for what you have allowed, but if you are ready to be a better you, your heart will acknowledge and act. Lean in close friend. At some point in your life, you my friend, have experienced bountiful boundary blues.
If you answered no to these questions, then congratulations you are the model citizen and you should bottle up your ways up and sell them. Help us. No need to read further, but I suggest you do.
Botched Boundaries
Bountiful boundary blues do you have it, have you had it? You may be thinking, wait this is a total oxymoron. How can you have boundaries and blues? In my mind, those two ideas have major incongruities. When we create boundaries: a line in the sand that we will not cross and not grant anyone else to, this should be a peaceful time, right? We should rejoice because we have boundaries in place and those boundaries make sure we are self-preserving. That is exactly not what I mean when I say bountiful bounty blues. It means realizing that you have/had ample amounts of “no boundaries” which causes you to be blue. It makes me terribly sad to recognize all the times I allowed myself to be uncomfortable and not in a challenging way to grow but compromising my soul. I’ve overextended myself causing me to stretch then pull a muscle. Those hurt. Then I’m left licking my wounds in the corner, partaking in this insane dance all over again. (Places right hand on forehead in anguish, blues)
I’ve been on autopilot cruising through life being constantly drained mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually; ultimately becoming speechless, subservient, and spineless. All self-sabotaging.
Let’s take a breather. Regroup. Rewind. Pause. That was heavy. I feel like I’ve been running in an emotional race. What are your thoughts? (Insert them here) Are you mad? Are you ready to create some boundaries? Do have some in place, but need to add more? Whatever your jam, make it happen.
Help, I’m Being Burned to Smithereens!
“Do not light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” Unknown
Fire! Fire! Forest Fire! This fire is out of control.
“It’s hot in here,” like Nelly said, but taking off my clothes would mean I’d stop burning, essentially. This statement gut punched me and made me understand the depths of the boundary-less life we sometimes lead.
Sparing feelings while suffering in your own existence. FIRE!
A simple yes to something you should have said no to. FIRE!
Pushing against morals and values to appease others. FIRE!
Allowing people to use you and not reciprocate the favors. FIRE!
Feeling obligated to give of your time and resources. FIRE!
Allowing people to dump on you. FIRE!
Not bowing out of conversations that are negative and unproductive to the person you desire to become. FIRE!
This list can get longer, but for the sake of time and characters space I’ll stop here. Add your own to the list. Remember this is a team effort.
No, you are not being mean or selfish when you set boundaries for spouses, partners, siblings, children, friends, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents (I love you deeply Grams or Paw Paw), co-workers, colleagues, or associates. Do not feel guilty or like you are hurting someone’s feelings when you create them. Feel like you will burn to the ground if you don’t! Remember a boundary – less life is the breeding ground for toxic relationships.
Now, A word from brother Usher Raymond:
“It's gon' burn for me to say this, but it's coming from my heart It's been a long time coming, but we done been fell apart Really wanna work this out, but I don't think you're gonna change I do, but you don't, think it's best we go our separate ways Tell me why I should stay in this relationship When I'm hurtin', baby, I ain't happy, baby Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with I think that you should let it burn. “ - Usher
Thank you, Mr. Raymond, but I must douse these fires all together. I’m sick of being sick of my boundary – less life. I can stay, but I will not continue to burn for you. Appears as if I’ll need some skin graphing from all the years of burning, but I love you though. Let’s heal together, shall we?
Well, lookie here, I’ve found my fire blanket and my blanket response is F YOU. Because this girl is on fire. I’m walking on fire and repurposing that flame to draw my line in the sand. (Wait, what were you thinking. It’s getting weird. I meant FREE YOU. I’m freeing you. I’m going to bow out and say-less. I’ll allow the saints to play with the F word as they see fit.)
Forest fire oooouuuuut!
Better get a coat because it’s about to get real nippy in here.
(**Drops mic!)
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